Soul Betrayals & Emotional Wounds: Why even know the Difference?
Distinguishing Soul Betrayals from Emotional Wounds (Part One)
Unfortunately, at some point in life everyone experiences pain from emotional wounds. Pain inflicted by someone you love who hurts your feelings. Emotional wounds are wounds that happen with the best of relationships. These wounds are painful but not as harmful as soul betrayals.
Why? Soul betrayals are unlike emotional wounds because they cut to the core of whom you are and who you are trying to become. Soul betrayals cause you to doubt your value.
Eventually, they undermine your confidence, as they especially attack the things you are good at and bring you joy.
counseling emotionalExperiencing the devastation of a soul betrayal is more painful and lasting; to the degree that your betrayer was supposed to be the one person whom you thought your feelings really mattered. Frequently it is even someone you would name as being the one person most incapable of betraying your soul.
This explains why you are in shock when you first learn they are slandering you. You would never have guessed this person was capable of such betrayals so you are stunned when they begin surfacing. As your shock begins wearing off you discover they have been going underground to influence others, wreaking havoc in your life.
Remember the reason you never knew this was occurring is not because of stupidity, it is because you thought they were trustworthy. At this point you are just putting the pieces of the puzzle together.
You cannot see the whole picture yet, but you will see it. This is when you really begin to feel the pain setting into your soul. Now you have enough puzzle pieces to be able to conceive of their betrayals. At this point you learn the part you played in keeping the betrayal cycle going. It is excruciating at first to have to learn these truths about them and yourself, however learning these truths will set you free.
Another distinction is the huge difference in the level of pain caused by an emotional wound and a soul betrayal. When someone emotionally wounds you it feels like they stepped on your soul wearing heavy boots, maybe even with cleats. Whereas, betrayal wounds cause your soul to feel nonexistent, your feelings do not even matter to them. This is what makes betrayal wounds much more insidious.
Let me tell you why.
If you even dare confront a betrayer about anything they have done to you, their responses will be very different than someone who has emotionally hurt you. Betrayers typically respond by accepting no responsibility, since they blame you for whatever problems you bring to their attention. They emote so over the top when you do bring anything to their attention that the focus gets centered on their pain, instead of on how they harmed you.
Notice how either of these betrayal responses leaves your thoughts and feelings out of the equation. Whereas when you have been emotionally wounded you feel heard by them, even if misunderstood. Therefore emotional wounds make it possible to discuss your feelings and reach resolutions.
However if it is a soul betrayal it may take time before you recognize the puzzle pieces coming together. Once you see the picture, you will envision their harming of you as legitimate. This is when you are ready to respond differently to their common strategies and defenses.
For example one strategy used by betrayers is whenever you approach them about how they have hurt you, they become confused. The confusion serves them so they can behave as if they have no idea what you are talking about. Also, they are very good at mixing into all discussions their feelings of sadness, disappointments, as well as how hard their life is. Their life probably is difficult because soul betrayers believe their hardships are always someone else’s fault.
So with this wrong belief embedded in their mind they cannot emotionally grow to make authentic changes. And in the beginning it is tricky to determine their authenticity. This is because if the betrayer still wants relationship with you, they feign forgiveness. This is why it is important to observe their actions over time never trusting just their words. Wait and watch for their changes instead having more talks with them. Talking only provides them with more power to wear you down.
An example would be, if you let them know you are unsure about whether their being authentic or not. Their response, how do you have the audacity to doubt the genuineness of my apology? The point is they become enraged that you would ever doubt them.
At this point you are still vulnerable so don’t misinterpret their emotional intensity as genuine concern for the relationship. Their words are meant to deceive and convince you, how you really do matter to them. This cycle can continue as long as you both allow it. The cycle can end when one of you break it.
Breaking this cycle will be the beginning of your breaking free. Your first taste of freedom comes when the betrayer is unable to suck you into participating in their relentlessly long conversations.
You are no longer willing to participant in their vortex of confusion by deceiving yourself into believing you are connecting with them. You are unwilling to have endless dialogues misconstrued as making progress.
Your tolerance level for their relational pain goes down as your desperation to make the relationship work, decreases. Then one day you will know when you are done. How? Because nothing they say will be perceived by you as a carrot dangling in front of your eyes, called HOPE. You know it is hopeless. It feels like death but out of death, you will gain your life.
If you do continue tolerating a relationship with a betrayer eventually you will discover their betrayal has not been kept between the two of you. This is when you find out the betrayer has been creatively back stabbing you, as they attempt to ruin your reputation with mutual friends. Their goal is to be sure you have no support systems in place to guarantee their continued control of you.
As you are discovering their sabotaging of you, you are left wondering how you could have been so clueless in their coma of confusion. You are clueless because you are unaware that no genuine change has happened on their part. You are unwilling to see how the betrayal wounds manifested towards you will continue piling up. Eventually you will notice how your betrayer is always willing to request another laborious talk with you. It is not exhausting for them but it will be for you. Entering these conversations is what perpetuates the betrayal cycle with energy to go on and on and on…….
When your tolerance for being betrayed decreases you will hear alarm bells that have been ringing, meant to alert you. You will notice how this cycle continues whenever you address their betrayals. If they are a professional betrayer, they will sense you are becoming aware of their manipulations. All of a sudden they will know how to offer you the exact words you have been longing to hear them speak. Or they may claim to have had an insight designed to offer you hope. Eventually, you recognize their reactions to your complaints are only intended to pull you back into their relational web. For betrayers, this is a normal life.
It is not normal. Betrayal wounds are much more serious than emotional wounds because they are beyond exhausting and harmful. These wounds take a huge toll on your soul, not just your heart. Emotional wounds are different because they are able to heal and the person genuinely wants to understand you, which allows you to work through your being wounded and recover.
Whereas, soul betrayers prevent your recovery by making deliberate even unconscious attempts to prevent your wounds from healing. At a moment’s notice betrayers can press your buttons triggering your deepest wounds.
Yet because of the betrayer’s ability to be insidious, their tactics may not always involve heartaches. In fact they may tell you they said something that hurt your feelings, because they do love you so much. It can be extremely twisted because what they call love never feels like love.
So you can understand how it is a misnomer that betrayal wounds are always obvious or excruciating. And out of protection from the soul betrayer’s strategies, you have had to build walls around your heart just to live in their presence. Or I should say, survive not live.
So do not use your own emotional pain level as your main indicator when determining whether you are experiencing a betrayal or an emotional wound. One of the reasons you may not feel devastated is because you have not realized the realities of their betrayals in totality. In other words, you have not hit your bottom. You are still more interested in preserving your relationship with them than seeing their true character. You are living in the numb stage. Perhaps that is the only place where you find solace.
Why would this be true?
Well, imagine your soul as having nerve endings. And you have lived protecting your heart from their betrayals for a long time. It may be that the pain in your soul is no longer felt because you have anestisized your soul’s nerve endings, to protect yourself. This is what allows your soul to continue numbing the tremendous pain, which truly does exist. The numbing provides you with a false sense of things being OK, when they are not. Numbing permits you to live your life in a manner that guarantees your being able to salvage their relationship. When in reality your numbing responses only serve to maintain your bondage with them. As long as you believe their lies, they will let you!
PART TWO will talk about,what do you do once you are engaged with a betrayer.